January
"Is Hosni Mubarak still the president? I say yes. According to the constitution, he remains the president until now."
Last year, Mubarak lawyer Farid El-Deeb stated that the ousted president had been first in line to endorse the 18-day revolution. Lately, however, the veteran attorney revealed that his client had never actually supported the revolution's primary demand: namely, his own ouster.
"Thugs hit like women; they leave marks, but no pain. It's the opposite for the police. Army soldiers don't really know how to hit. Personally, I prefer the police."
After receiving a beating in Maspero at the hands of unknown assailants, acid-tongued activist Nawara Negm admitted on Twitter to missing the police – but for reasons other than protection.
"Anarchists' Bendettamask to lead the chaos of January 25."
So read a headline in Freedom and Justice, mouthpiece of the Muslim Brotherhood's Freedom and Justice Party, in reference to the stylized "V for Vendetta" Guy Fawkes mask, which had become a popular symbol among Egyptian revolutionaries. The article went on to warn readers of countrywide mayhem on the revolution's first anniversary, which ultimately never materialised. To be fair, however, a number of demonstrators wore Bendetta masks on the occasion.
"Some of the American University in Cairo (AUC) security personnel are the real killers of the uprising's protesters."
Attorney Mohamed El-Guindy, commissioned to defend ex-interior minister Habib El-Adly from charges of instigating the murder of unarmed demonstrators in last year's uprising, finally struck on the perfect culprit: unarmed AUC security men.
"My sons switched off their mobile phones, but they're hearing me now through TV. I just want to tell them to cover the laundry because it's raining."
A phone-in caller, who identified himself as Adam Omar, appears to have had a very good reason for interrupting serious political discussions on the Nile Culture channel.
"Any fan who storms the pitch should be dragged and beaten by police to send a warning to other supporters."
Sports presenter Medhat Shalaby, who – like the vast majority of his fellow sportscasters – loves to pontificate on matters unrelated to sports, when suggesting ways of ending the perennial hostility between football hooligans and Central Security Forces (CSF). Ironically, the CSF did the exact opposite in the 1 February Port Said football massacre.
February
"We want all people to take part in such incidents. They shouldn't stand still. Some individuals from the people do this, so all people have to take action against them."
In the aftermath of Egypt's worst-ever football disaster, Egypt's de facto ruler Field Marshal Hussein Tantawi called on "the people" to confront "the people," while saying nothing about CSF officers who stood idly by as dozens of football fans were killed in the 1 February football tragedy at Port Said Stadium.
"I didn't know there was a match between Masry and Ahly that day."
So said sacked Port Said security director Essam Samak in the hearing that followed the Port Said tragedy – which partially explains why Tantawi wants "the people" to take matters into their own hands.
"I hold my head up higher and higher whenever you talk about the blue suit of my husband [the prisoners' uniform] … The best men in this country wore blue suits."
In a heated argument with television presenter Amr Adib, wife of Mubarak-era tycoon Ahmed Ezz says how proud she is of her incarcerated husband's latest wardrobe changes. Needless to say, the former secretary-general of Mubarak's now-defunct ruling party isn't in blue because he joined the British Royal Navy.
"These guys are the ones who curse the [page] administrator … They are also followers of [ex-presidential hopeful Mohamed] ElBaradei and other presidential candidates. They are getting paid by the candidates."
This comment was posted by a pro-SCAF Facebook page next to a photo of a handful of Ahram Online journalists. Ahram Online Editor-in-Chief Hani Shukrallah was reportedly furious to discover the covert political activities of some of his staff.
"We were dying every day during the Yemen war."
So no, Ahmed Shafiq's admission last year that he had been killed was apparently not a slip of the tongue, since this month he confessed to having been murdered on more than one occasion. Since even the walking dead can be killed, however, suggestions that Shafiq was in fact Egypt's first zombie prime minister were quickly dismissed.
"Barack Obama does not believe in any religion. He is not Muslim, Christian or Jewish. He is a revolutionary socialist."
One-off television presenter Tawfik Okasha fingers the US president as an atheistic socialist, despite Obama's leadership over a self-evidently capitalist country.
"The Organisation of the International Teddy Bear is one of the NGOs that is violating the law in the foreign funding case."
Or so reported state daily Al-Ahram. In a world in which freemasons call the shots and trigger revolutions worldwide, that would make considerably more sense.
"Beware of that dirty company's television ads, which target children. I blame my friend Mohamed Mounir for appearing in this inflammatory advert. He will bear the responsibility for the death of any child in the future."
Music composer Amr Mostafa sees the dark side of a new Vodafone advertisement that gives a brief history of the renowned Egyptian crooner.
"This aid package aims to improve English language teaching skills in Egypt. They now want to begin teaching English in second primary instead of fourth primary. We must realise that they want our children to be culturally westernized.”
Amid a chronic security vacuum, rampant unemployment and soaring crime rates, Salafist Nour Party MP Mohamed Kordy warns of the threat posed by the English language on young Egyptians at a recent parliamentary session.
Favourite quotes from last year by Ahram Online readers
"The army's armoured vehicles secretly patrol Cairo's streets every night to capture criminals in the run-up to parliamentary elections."
Or so said army general Hassan El-Roweiny. Of course, armoured vehicles would never be seen or heard while roaming the streets – but then a secret is no longer a secret if it's declared in public.
"To the prisoners at large: please go back to your jail cells."
This is what former spy chief and then vice-president Omar Suleiman had to say following the mass escape of inmates during last year's uprising. With thousands of escapees still on the run, the magic word – "please" – appears not to have worked.
"It's the devil who's behind the revolution; I want to know who's behind the devil."
Like many Egyptians who wanted to know the identity of the mysterious man who stood behind Suleiman when he formally announced the end of the Mubarak era, singer Amr Mostafa was curious to know who stood behind the devil himself, the ultimate revolutionary.
Favourite quotes from last year by Ahram Online journalists
"It's completely unacceptable; they [the military police] stripped some woman, leaving her wearing only trousers … We [ruling Islamists], on the other hand, would deploy Islamic police troopers who would never violate Islamic Law while beating people up."
Thanks to this statement by Salafist scholar Ahmed El-Naqiub, political activists can now rest assured that they will not be subject to any un-Islamic violations while expressing their opinions under Islamist rule.
"Next year will see a horrific earthquake that shall cause many deaths … If President Mubarak doesn't return to the presidency, Egypt will be occupied by the countries that conspire against it, including Iran."
So said Egyptian female "psychic" Magada days before the beginning of 2012, warning of the horrendous ramifications Egypt would suffer this year should the ousted president remain in detention. For those who take her predictions lightly, a tremor on 30 January did indeed hit Sharm El-Sheikh, where Mubarak had been confined to hospital.
"London is trying to train some lads to speak the Egyptian dialect [of Arabic]. They are from all nationalities and have the same complexion as us. They are being trained on how to drive tanks and how to remove Egyptian soldiers from tanks ... because there is a war coming."
Actress Afaf Shoeib was made fun of for that one – but isn't that what happened, according to official sources, during the notorious Maspero Massacre?
"We attacked the security directorate and set it on fire … the CSF started to beat us up and the army did not take our side."
One of those who attacked the Giza Security Directorate on 9 September was not only flabbergasted to see the CSF bombarding demonstrators with tear gas, but had also expected – somewhat unrealistically, as it turned out – the army to back them up.
*Dear readers: Please vote for your favourite quote in our comments section, and feel free to post more. Winning suggestions will be published in our next report on Egypt's most bizarre quotes, which will be published at the end of each month barring exceptional circumstances.
*Readers Hala El-Laithy, Ali Lofty, Maria and Ahmed Ezzat Elkamhawi contributed to this report.
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