Many parents can have trouble understanding what is going on in the lives of their children until it is too late because their children lie to them for different reasons.

Children could be either facing or causing trouble and pretending that everything is as it should be in front of their parents when it is not, either because their parents are not listening to them or because the children are too scared to talk about their problems with their parents.

Child and adolescent psychologist Heba Al-Shehawi gives a psychological analysis of the reasons why a child could be telling lies.

“A child may lie for one of three reasons, either he is afraid, or he is not self-confident, or he wants to manipulate or control someone. He may be afraid that someone will discover something he has done wrong and is ashamed to talk about it. He could have eaten sweets without his mother’s permission, for example – in which case he could be lying in order to escape punishment,” Al-Shehawi said.

In some cases, the explanation may lie in something that someone did to the child that he is not ready to talk about, if he has been subjected to bullying or harassment, for example.

“If the explanation is a lack of self-confidence, a child may lie to build self-confidence by creating stories from his imagination. If this is the case, the child needs greater guidance,” she said, adding that a child could grow up to tell untrue stories, including about his academic achievements or his life experiences. If his parents divorce, then he could tell each parent untrue stories about the other, often to cover up a certain need or deficiency inside himself.”

But the severest case is when a child more intentionally lies. “In this case, the child may have the aim of manipulating someone intentionally. He may persuade a peer to help him cheat in an exam, for example,” Al-Shehawi said. “He may not care about how he achieves his goals. He could be manipulating his siblings in the same way.”

There is also the question of big lies and little lies, since for Al-Shehawi both are lies, though not all untrue stories are necessarily lies. “A child under three is not lying if he tells imaginary stories, for example, since he is unable to differentiate between what is wrong and what is right or what is true and what is not true. However, a child over this age is able to do so,” she said.

“The sooner we cure a child of lying the better. All children tell untrue stories until they learn the concepts of truthfulness and honesty and what lying and deception are. The best cure, or rather prevention, for lying is for parents to mind how they act in front of their children. They should be role models by trying not to tell lies in front of them, no matter how trivial the matter might appear to be,” she added.

“Parents could let a child know that they know that he has lied without scolding him just by reacting to his deed in an indirect way, for example. If a child eats chocolate before dinner and denies it, then his father should simply tell him not to eat before meals.”

“If a child draws on the walls or makes a mess at home, a parent should not confront him.  Instead, they should say something like ‘whoever scribbled on the wall should come and help me clean it up.’ In this case, a child will grow up to be a responsible person. He will realise that it takes time to remove the mess and will think a hundred times before repeating it. On the other hand, if a parent asks his children who made the mess, there is a risk the child could lie to him and say he didn’t do it,” Al-Shehawi commented.

Although finding out if your child is lying through his body language may be difficult, a mother will be able to spot irregularities in her child’s behaviour. For instance, he may not look at her in the eyes, since he could be looking at the floor or fiddling with his hands or just ignoring the subject if he is lying.

Other signs of lying could be if a child is stammering, or the tone of his voice changes, or even if he behaves in an unusual way. It takes time for a parent to know if his child is lying.

OTHER CASES

Could lying become more serious and even call for medical attention?

“At first, a tale a child tells or the lie that he tells is only from his imagination, or is a wish he wants granted, or a thought he wants to keep in or out of his mind. But when he becomes used to telling lies, he gets used to not facing problems and so these problems grow,” Al-Shehawi said.

There could be a risk of the child becoming manipulative, or of developing the habit of lying as part of his personality. This is when lying could become more serious. “If his parents don’t tell him that it is wrong before he is seven years old, which is the age of concept formation in children, it could become a habit. If he still deals with people in this way when he is 11 or so, it could become part of his attitude in dealing with others and his way of coping with situations or problems,” she added.

“Lying becomes a problem when it is repetitive, like on a daily basis for the most trivial reasons and without justification,” Al-Shehawi said. “As a result, a liar begins to lose his sense of reality, and his friends or parents could start to become worried about him.”

Lying may also be the tip of the iceberg. It could be a symptom of a more serious mental illness like conduct disorder in which someone not only lies but also steals or runs away from home. “Children and adolescents who suffer from anxiety also tend to lie,” she said. Lying could also be part of bigger problems like substance abuse.

For parents to build trust with their children, they need to be examples for them in their relationships inside their family and outside. Parents should tell their children about the importance of sincerity by telling them stories about the blessings of truthfulness, for example, especially for children under three since stories then stay in a child’s memory.

When a child is a little older, a parent should start telling him about real stories or situations involving himself or others and how telling the truth was a solution to such problems. During the teenage years, a parent should warn his children that telling lies could make them lose their friends and loved ones.

To gain mutual trust, a parent should tell his son what happens during his day at work so that the child tells him about his day at school. “If there is something I don’t like about my child’s behaviour, I tell him about it, albeit in an indirect way, but I should also look for a couple of things I like about him and tell him about those too to build his confidence,” Al-Shehawi said.

“A parent should encourage a child to tell his teacher the real reason behind his not doing his homework, so he grows up to face the consequences of his actions.”

She has some tips to help children become more sincere.

A child should aim to be confident enough to tell himself that he has good qualities and that he can overcome any shortcomings. It is alright for a child to ask for help if he has a problem, and he should not face it alone. He should trust people, and people will trust him back if he is honest. Parents should take the time to talk to their children about their problems and how they have overcome some of their own.

A problem will never be solved if a person doesn’t face up to it.

*A version of this article appears in print in the 18 February , 2021 edition of Al-Ahram Weekly