Finding the other half

Amira Elhamy , Tuesday 2 Jul 2024

Amira Elhamy examines the pros and cons of traditional and non-traditional marriages when choosing life partners

Finding the other half
Finding the other half

 

Whether you fell in love with your partner before tying the knot, or you met by coincidence, or were friends for some time but then suddenly saw things change, marriage is the beginning of a journey that can last a lifetime. Friends in common can also introduce marriage partners, as can parents or family members. 

There may be no right or wrong way of going about choosing a marriage partner, because in human relationships there are no rigid rules. Things depend on many personal aspects, personality traits, previous experiences, emotional intelligence, and many other aspects. 

This is why it is important to give yourself the chance, when you meet a potential partner, to get to know his or her values, life experiences, opinions, and tastes because all these aspects reflect his or her personality and will be shaping your relationship together whether you met him or her in a traditional or non-traditional way. 

Khaled Fasih, an Egyptian husband who was married in the traditional way, said that whether couples get married in the traditional or non-traditional way, the marriage experience is still the same. 

“I am in favour of getting married the traditional way, because you are both rational and thinking wisely about what is to come as a result. I believe you will not be able to get to know a person unless you have the opportunity to really get to know that person first,” he said.

“I would say that a non-traditional way of getting to know your potential partner or falling in love with someone outside the traditional way can make you overlook the other person’s flaws, which is not always a good thing, especially for women.”

One of the cons of arranged marriages is that feelings might not be present from the beginning, and if the potential groom or the potential bride has good characteristics, there might be pressure from the families to proceed even in their absence. This is not so much of a problem in non-traditional marriages because it is for the two persons to decide.

Fasih’s wife agrees with him and says that marriage decisions cannot be based on emotions alone, which is why she recommends traditional arranged marriages. 

Radwa Abdel-Hadi, said that she had “got to know my partner at work. He was my senior, and by coincidence we discovered that we had some friends in common.” 

“I had tried to meet potential partners the traditional way, even though I was not convinced with this way of getting to know someone was the best way. However, I decided to do it a couple of times based on pressure from my family. I remember I used to be tense and not at ease when I went for a couple of arranged meetings. It was all very formal,” she said.

For Abdel-Hadi, when you get to know someone in a natural setting or context, you are more at ease in dealing with each other. “You see each other in different situations,” she said. “You might become friends before marriage, so this is actually nicer than the arranged way.”

“My view is that the success of a marriage might not depend on how you get to know each other, as much as on how you both make the mutual effort to make things happen. It is crucial to make compromises, for you both to find a middle ground, and for both of you to give and avoid selfishness. Communication is the key to getting closer and finding solutions for any problems that arise.”

Abdel-Hadi’s husband agrees and also believes that he would never have been able to find a wife in the traditional way. 

Nehal S, a single in her forties, explains that for her non-traditional marriage is better than traditional marriage. 

“When I was in my twenties, I tried to go out and see potential partners in the traditional way out of being pressured by my parents. However, I did not find myself connected up at all, since the traditional way is too serious and too formal,” she said.

“However, one of the cons of the nontraditional way is that while meeting potential partners, you will surely meet people who are not serious,” Nehal said. 

Mohamed Mohie, single, said that “both the traditional and the nontraditional ways can lead to distinctive results.”

“You can meet someone in the traditional way – for instance common friends introduce you to each other, and things can develop from there. It might be a bit formal, but it can develop so you are more at ease and can get to know each other well.”

One of the pros of getting to know someone in the traditional way with a view to marriage is that both individuals have the same intention, which is getting married. 

“The nontraditional way, meaning falling in love with someone, can work as well, but both have to be mature enough for the marriage to work,” Mohie said. “For instance, a man and a woman might fall in love and get married but not be mature enough to understand many aspects of marriage. They might get a divorce after a couple of years, though they were in love before the marriage.”

Sherif Arafa, a best-selling positive psychology author, said that when we choose to be with someone, we should be aware that they will change throughout their life, going through various life events and experiencing maturity as a result.

“It is very important to get to know a person well before getting married,” he said, “which is why I believe that the self-chosen or nontraditional marriage is better because it gives you the chance to see the person you like in various natural settings. Either you are work colleagues, or you go on group outings together, or you share the same hobbies, or you play sports at the same club – all these are natural settings that give you the chance to know each other better.”

“The arranged marriage is a bit risky, as you don’t really get a chance to see the person you meet in natural settings. Some arranged marriages can be a success, however, perhaps because the couple is more into a traditional style of life and agree on the roles of the man and the woman in marriage. This can also lessen marriage problems,” Arafa said.

“Common values are very important for the success of a marriage. But good mutual connections and being able to understand each other’s personalities are more likely to happen by getting to know someone in a nontraditional setting.” 

“Friendship is key – and this is the best advice to men that I can give. There is a famous quotation that I mention in one of my books: marry the woman who you believe would be your friend if she was a man,” he said.


* A version of this article appears in print in the 4 July, 2024 edition of Al-Ahram Weekly

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