In the Arab world, the concept of polygamy carries a profound weight, often stirring a mixture of cultural, religious, and emotional factors. 

Women entering into second or multiple marriages find themselves navigating a maze of emotions, societal pressures, and personal struggles. For many, this experience can be overwhelming, leading them to question their self-worth and rights in such a dynamic. 

However, a specialist has emerged offering unique courses and sessions aimed at empowering these women and helping them reclaim their power in such relationships. Her approach is revolutionary, and her impact is undeniable.

One of the most common challenges women face when entering a polygamous dynamic is underestimating the emotional difficulties involved. 

According to Hafsa Rizki, a 31-year-old polygamy coach, “the truth is that these challenges are not solely a result of the dynamic itself, but stem from the traumas women need to heal within themselves.” She emphasises that polygamy can sometimes act as a catalyst for women to break through deep-rooted cycles and heal past emotional wounds.

Rizki, who has been coaching women in polygamous marriages for the last five years, notes that many second wives often underestimate the jealousy they will feel and the deceptions they may encounter. 

“Many second wives are unaware of the depth of the intimate relationship their husband has with the first wife,” Rizki explained. She adds that these women might not even realise the possibility that their husband could return to his first wife after a separation, creating additional emotional strain.

Rizki also highlights the societal pressures many women face. “Society often conditions divorced or widowed women to accept less in a relationship, especially with a married man. They feel compelled to accept whatever is offered, believing their love justifies the sacrifices,” she said. 

This “lack mindset,” as Rizki describes it, can lead women to waive many of their rights in the relationship.

“The first wife is often portrayed as the victim, while the second wife is labelled a ‘homewrecker’ or ‘gold digger,’’’ Rizki continued. This societal judgement creates challenges for both the first and second wives, but she stresses that the root cause is often tied to poor self-worth and societal conditioning for both women. 

“This mindset leads to poor mental and emotional well-being,” she added.

Rizki’s passion for her work stems from her own personal journey. She has lived through the complexities of polygamy herself, first as a second wife and later as a first wife. 

“I was always searching for freedom and the truth,” Rizki said, describing how her early life was marked by a double existence. She conformed to societal expectations outwardly, but in private she sought out a life of fun and exploration, leading to emotional turmoil and a deep search for meaning.

Her own experience in a polygamous marriage began when her partner approached her with honesty about his feelings for his first wife. “He didn’t use the usual excuses like ‘I don’t love her’ or ‘she’s not good to me,’” she explained. This honesty led her to confront the guilt and subconscious beliefs she held, prompting her journey into coaching other women in similar dynamics.

Rizki soon discovered a gap in the professional guidance available for women in polygamous marriages. “I found no one in the Arab world who addressed the psychological and emotional aspects of polygamy,” she said. Religious figures and psychologists alike, in her experience, offered harsh or theoretical advice that did not truly address women’s emotional needs. 

“It left women, including myself, raging with anger,” she added.

This realisation spurred Rizki to create her own coaching programmes, designed specifically for women in polygamous marriages. “The first thing we focus on is unlearning what women have been taught about polygamy,” she said. 

Her courses help women dismantle the beliefs they may have absorbed from religion and society about their self-worth and roles within the marriage. “The goal is to help them recognise their own value and rebuild their confidence.”

In her programmes, Rizki also guides women on how to set boundaries, question societal norms, and pursue new passions. “Many of the women who go on my courses go on to start their own businesses or find new personal fulfillment,” she said. 

Spirituality also plays a significant role in her work, as she draws on teachings from the Quran and the stories of the prophets to inspire women to break through societal constraints and manifest the lives they desire.

Rizki’s unique perspective as both a first and second wife allows her to support women at every stage of a polygamous relationship. “I don’t focus on whether polygamy is right or wrong,” she said. “My priority is the mental well-being of the women involved.” 

She also extends her support to children impacted by their parents’ polygamous relationships, helping them process their emotions and adapt to the new family dynamic.

Her coaching also is not limited to women alone. Rizki is a strong advocate for men’s rights as well. “Men in the Middle East often face manipulation and emotional abuse, but they’re taught to suppress their feelings,” she noted. 

Though polygamy is the context of her work, Rizki emphasises that her true focus is on personal growth and self-empowerment. “We teach women how to cultivate peace within themselves, because inner peace will reflect in all aspects of their lives, including their marriages,” she said.

Her courses go beyond theory. “It’s about rewiring the mind to create new neural pathways and cleansing the heart to break free from limiting beliefs,” Rizki explained. Through one-on-one coaching, group sessions, and practical exercises, she helps women set healthy boundaries, assert their rights, and navigate the complexities of polygamy.

Rizki has seen many success stories, including one where a first wife overcame her jealousy and forged a strong friendship with the second wife. “They learned to communicate effectively and set healthy boundaries,” she said. 

In another instance, a woman saved her marriage from divorce, realising that embracing polygamy led to a more fulfilling relationship with her husband.

These success stories are a testament to the transformative power of Rizki’s coaching. “These women have discovered a new level of confidence, both in their marriages and in themselves,” she shared. Many of her clients say that they are more empowered and self-assured than they ever were in monogamous relationships.

Looking forward, Rizki envisions expanding her work to support women and men in other challenging relationship dynamics, including those in forced or underage marriages. “It’s about breaking through shame and guilt and empowering people to live the lives they deserve,” she said.

Her ultimate goal? To create a freedom institute where individuals can receive guidance, coaching, and support to navigate their relationships, start businesses, and pursue their passions.

“It’s never too late to start,” Rizki concluded. “I want to show women, especially those over 50, that they still have the power to make their dreams a reality.”

* A version of this article appears in print in the 26 September, 2024 edition of Al-Ahram Weekly