If a person comes into a room looking for a seat, I will almost always quickly get up and give them mine. Or at least I used to. Without thinking, I would do it because I felt that I owed it to them to make them feel comfortable and happy – even if they were younger than I was and perfectly able and fit. 

I would give up my comfortable seat to them out of a sense of obligation and feel compensated by the look of appreciation in their eyes. 

This kind of behaviour is the trademark of the people pleaser. It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I was a people pleaser, someone who wants to always be in other people’s good books and who does not in any way want to provoke their disapproval.  

Many things can cause a person to become a people pleaser. Some of them may be traced back to one’s childhood. When, for instance, you grow up as a small child around assertive people, and especially if you love them, you may try not to provoke their disapproval and learn that the best way to do this is by doing what they tell you.  

You may also avoid any confrontation with them by remaining silent. You bend over backwards to make them happy, and in the process the persona or “mask,” as I like to call it, of the people pleaser is born. This is what happened to me. 

Pushed to the extreme, people-pleasing habits can border on the ridiculous, such as forever apologising for things that one is not really responsible for or for trivialities that need no apology. I have often found myself telling others that I was sorry when they were the ones who had bumped into me, or profusely apologising if I dropped my pencil on the floor, for example.

In the end, being overly nice becomes depleting and feels like a heavy burden to carry. This is because niceness can be something that hides who you really are, and you may move along in life feeling inauthentic and not very honest as a result.

What makes it even harder is the expectations that your people-pleasing habits build in others, regarding what you will, or will not, do.

Psychologist Chris Mosunic writes on his website that people pleasers display traits such as finding it difficult to say no to the demands of others, feeling guilty for prioritising themselves, suffering from low self-esteem, overcommitting, and appearing to agree with what others say, even if they really don’t.

I can identify with all of these.

And while not all forms of people pleasing are as extreme as in my case, one can still see people-pleasing traits in children, parents, and spouses who in their interactions with others might still feel that they need to strike a balance between giving to others, while at the same time safeguarding their own well-being. 

I have learnt that there are ways to break out of the vicious cycle of people pleasing, such as setting healthy boundaries, prioritising one’s own needs, and learning to say no when necessary.

It can be difficult at first, but it became easier with practice. The very first step is to be more self-aware. So, before getting up to give your seat, or anything else that is rightfully yours to others for that matter, stop for a moment and ask yourself if this is something you really want or should even do.

Ask yourself if you are doing this just because someone else expects you to do it, or if it, as it was often in my case, is coming out of a feeling of inadequacy and needing the approval of other people. 

Thinking about one’s priorities in life can also help. When you ask yourself how you really want to spend your time, doing what and with whom, and where you want to be in your life in five years’ time, for instance, your priorities can become clearer.  

You can know then what it is that you want to say yes, or no, to.

Another step I found to be not easy, but which I feel is important in becoming liberated from the prison of people pleasing, is to know that it is okay if others become angry with you when you refuse to accommodate them at your own expense.  

You will survive their anger, and you will in fact feel all the better for having done so. It is better to confront others with what one is willing or not willing to do, rather than ward off their anger with people-pleasing behaviour, only to resent them for it afterwards.

So, whenever I find myself about to say yes to something that I actually do not want to do by sheer force of habit, I remember to slow down and pause. Then I say in the nicest way possible, “no, I can’t really do that.” 

* A version of this article appears in print in the 3 October, 2024 edition of Al-Ahram Weekly